How to make the most delicious avocado of your life

Step 1: Find a recipe for a veggie burger on Pinterest that looks so delicious that you consider actually becoming a vegetarian until you remember how much you like ribs. And burgers. And that one chicken recipe. Make a mental note to someday discover a modified vegetarian lifestyle that will accommodate this.

Step 2: Buy expensive, obscure ingredients that you need for this recipe. Assure yourself it will be worth it as you will probably make this recipe 10 times a week.

Step 3: Mix everything together. Realize that one change you made was probably more important than you originally thought since your mixture that is supposed to form burger like patties is so soft it basically falls apart in your hands.

Step 4: Lump some of this questionable goo together and try frying it up anyways.

Step 5: Fill poorly ventilated kitchen with smoke.*

*Note: This is also a good way to test that smoke detector in your apartment that always looked suspect.

Step 6: Take a moment to curse Pinterest for making you believe you can cook anything and diy any craft while staying on top of fashion/beauty/home decor/party planning/internet memes.

Step 7: Eat your half burned veggie burger anyway. It’s important you not let the veggie burger win this fight.

Step 8: Drink a large glass of water to get rid of that strange taste. Vow to yourself that you will follow all the directions the next time you try a new recipe even though it is always more convenient to make do with what you have and you hate going to the store to only get 1 supposedly essential ingredient.

Step 9: If you have done steps 1-8 properly you will be squinting through the haze of still-present smoke in your apartment at a pile of dirty dishes that resulted in questionable veggie burger goo. Contemplate cooking something else. Return gaze to veggie burger goo. Wonder if you really need to do this whole “eating” thing to survive. Put goo in fridge. You will definitely figure out a way to fix that tomorrow and not hide it behind some yogurt cups, forget about it, and then throw it away in 2 weeks.

Step 10: Spot that beautiful, gorgeous avocado you had planned to place on top of your veggie burger. Realize there is no need for such a thing as a balanced meal. Take the avocado, drizzle with olive oil and salt, and eat.

Congratulations! You have successfully not ruined an avocado and can now feel accomplished with your life today. This also qualifies you for an evening of ignoring all the dirty dishes in your sink and watching shows on netflix instant. Good job.

Currently: Eating an avocado.


2 thoughts on “How to make the most delicious avocado of your life

  1. You are my favorite person by far. All I want to know is why you didn’t share this burger goo with me. How rude.

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